You’re angry, aren’t you? For months now, the media have been advising us that voters are angry, so you must be. I’m not. I’m just really confused. There are so many outlandish items floating around the current American political scene that I can’t even keep track of them, let alone muster up enough coherence from it all to get upset about anything. So if you’re upset, I admire you; you’re way ahead of me.
As near as I can tell:
California, unsurprisingly, offers the most chaotic election picture. It’s absolutely hopeless trying to keep things straight where two high-powered, hyperwealthy women are running at the same time. One of them, who is either the ex-CEO of EBay, or the ex-wife of a multimillionaire wresting magnate, is battling an aging ex-hippie who once sang in Linda Ronstadt’s backup band.
The other, who is running against Barbara Boxer, is spending tens of millions of her own money. Inexplicable anger: many voters think that she should finance her campaign the traditional way; that is, by fleecing the usual gullible saps. We, however, commend her for her willingness to fling her own dough around like rap star in a VIP lounge, and wish her well.
We also understand that, for some reason, Hewlitt-Packard is somehow involved in this contest, perhaps to smooth the way for a lightning acquisition of the entire Silicon Valley.
In Nevada, the House majority leader is in a seesaw battle with someone we’ve never heard of. How this can be we cannot imagine; we had thought that anyone who could make a single phone call and get front-row seats to Siegfried and Roy could destroy anyone foolish enough to even consider challenging grease-gun pressure of that pedigree.
In Connecticut – well, wait a minute. Is this where the wrestler ex-wife is running? If so, against whom? And why? Isn’t Mike Bloomberg the de facto governor of Connecticut? Does it really matter who’s actually elected governor, as long as Bloomberg agrees not to tax hedge fund incentive fees more than 15%?
In New York, the son of a former governor and ex-husband of a Kennedy is running against an upstate real estate baron who just pissed all over the gay community, which hardly seems an effective strategy for winning over the liberal Democrats who rule the Empire State. Of course, in New York State, which has:
- a governor who was not elected,
- who replaced a governor caught with his hand in a $5,000-a-pop call girl,
- a senator who was not elected,
- a congressman still under investigation for fiscal naughtiness and tax evasion,
- a recently-expelled state senate majority leader convicted of assaulting his girlfriend, and
- in spite of having the highest tax rate in the entire #%*&^% country, a deficit that would sink most nations
…well, you get the picture. Who cares who’s in charge? Doom is not only inevitable, it’s almost welcome.
In Massachusetts, there’s a three-way race for governor, but the incumbent is leading handily, in spite of having been caught on camera a little while ago saying “Well, it’s a free country…I wish it weren’t, but that’s the way it is.” Strange thing to hear from the state of Plymouth Rock, John Hancock, Paul Revere, the embattled farmers et. al. – “but that’s the way it is.”
Finally, somewhere in the south there’s a race for governor or senator or something featuring a woman who has come out strongly and firmly against autoerotic behavior. You would not think this was an issue that resonated with voters, but when you are in the fix we are in right now, I suppose someone has to demand that we stop playing with ourselves and get down to business.
And it’s not just the voters who are angry with politicians. The politicians are angry at the voters. John Kerry, the senator from Newport, or Cape Code, depending on where his boat is berthed at the time, recently lashed out at the electorate for being lazy and stupid:
“We have an electorate that doesn’t always pay that much attention to what’s going on so people are influenced by a simple slogan rather than the facts or the truth or what’s happening.”
Others have called voters “spoiled children,” “beer-guzzling nitwits with double-wide asses lounging on their sofas gaping at bikini-clad bimbos,” “the spawn of Lucifer,” and…okay, I made a few of those up.
Nemo, however, understands your wrath. It soothes me. As long as the voters are angry – and by the way, they always have been; remember Bush/Gore? – then America has a fighting chance of avoiding a slow strangulation of death by indifference. If you’re mad, good for you. Stay mad. If anyone deserves your anger, it’s politicians.