Things will never be the same again. It’s a whole new ballgame. Voters nationwide have risen as never before to send an unambiguous message to Washington, that they are disgusted, that things must change, that heads will roll. Exactly like two years ago.
Does history ever do anything but repeat itself, generally to an audience with the memory of a groat? Well, yes it does, because things are never really very predictable, even when we most think they are. And while we continue to view elections as a fight between two muggers to determine which one gets the privilege of robbing the victim, certain aspects of this just-past contest give us a renewed hope for Democracy, although not without reservations.
What shall we all expect, now that vox dei hath spoken?
Well, for starters, Congress, suffering from an approval rating percentage that, if tripled, would still come out to an F, will have no choice but to abandon its partisan bickering, and, responding to the impassioned pleas of the President, the new House majority leader, and a chastened Harry Reid, will move boldly forward with forceful vigor to enact legislation which will reduce unemployment to 4%, rein in the deficit, lower government spending, reduce taxes, stimulate the economy, implement a practical long-term sustainable energy plan and guarantee health care reform, whiter whites and brighter colors.
Sidebar: Harry Reid, still panting from anxiety after his near-death experience at the hands of someone about as electable as Torquemada, is hoping that Chuck Schumer either joined a Klan klaven in college or is saving himself for a run at Joe Biden’s slot, with the probability of either being about equal.
Next: President Obama will declare on national TV that putting the healthcare initiative before economic recovery was an “embarrassing mistake,” and will promise to work hand-in-glove with the GOP to “enact meaningful fiscal reforms” to the existing bill. He will also freeze all federal government hiring, wages and budgets, and pledge to reduce the Federal payroll by 8% a year, starting with renegotiation of all existing union contracts.
Then: Jon Boehner will apologize for “certain excesses” of rhetoric and behavior during the campaign season, and boldly pledge that the GOP will not use its new House majority to impede “clearly necessary social legislation initiatives like ‘equal rights for pets and house plants.'” He and Nancy Pelosi will hold a joint press conference in which they will announce a new banking bill that mandates foreclosure forgiveness for “deserving victims, witless suckers and balls-out speculators,”and limits all executive salaries to no more than three times the GDP of Canada.
Soon: The Paul family and Barney Frank will join their voices on a holiday CD set of Christmas carols, readings from the Koran and a lively rendition of “Dredle, Dredle Dredle”(backed by the Congressional Black Caucus), with all proceeds going to a special fund to build a kosher deli next to the Kabba stone.
And finally: Jerry Brown will solve California’s combined immigration/drug violence/prisons-filled-to-the-bursting/impending bankruptcy conundrum by seceding from the Union, merging with Mexico, and nationalizing narcotics sales. Orange county will be sold to Hawaii, raising desperately-needed immediate cash to pay off union officials and avoiding the near-certainty of a nuclear attack on Sacramento by LaJolla.
If any of the above seems even mildly improbable to our readers, who may still be mired in pre-electoral cynicism, we respond with just three words: President Sarah Palin.
Makes you think, doesn’t it?