If you have no consideration for the future of our nation, can you at least muster up some guilt for the incalculable harm you have inflicted on the innocents abroad?
For readers eager to be treated like gullible marks at a carnival ring toss, we commend the website “GOOD,” which serves up bite-sized canapes of enlightened outrage on topics guaranteed to inflame the passions of the highly-evolved, ranging from the environment and our endangered public employees to the multibillion-dollar waste created by paper one dollar bills and why students should “chart their own education.” And a more dreadful compost of half-baked notions, wide-eyed wonder and just plain wrong cannot be imagined outside the confines of a sophomore dormitory.
Take the dollar bill problem. GOOD wants us to know that we are wasting several billion dollars by using paper money instead of coins. Damn! Why didn’t we know this sooner? Why, we could have introduced a Susan B. Anthony coin — or — wait a minute — a Sacagawea coin. Then we’d have billions to spend on — huh? We already did that? Oh. Well, never mind.
But today, GOOD has been tweeting an alert for one of its articles titled:
“It’s Official: Climate Change Will Be Worst for Those Least Responsible for the Problem”
In the words of Coleridge, “all should cry, Beware! Beware! His flashing eyes, his floating hair!” Because the “GOOD” folks are as thoroughly cracked as the varnish on an old Master. Nor do we refer to anything having to do with climate change, which need not even enter the discussion.
Anything in this headline catch your eye? What do they mean by “official?” See what I mean? Don’t argue with these folks. They have the authority of a Moses holding the tablets on Sinai. What charlatan could be bold enough to question this kind of certification? And why is it “official?” Because it comes from…McGill University.
Now, McGill is a fine school, widely regarded as Canada’s leading university, and we are inclined to hear whatever it may have to say, but we think that even the good dons there would balk at the notion that their imprimatur conveys some sort of infallibilty. Not even Harvard claims that status; this is reserved for the folks at East Anglia (of “oops, we erased all the data” fame), who have been appointed by God Almighty — aka “the media” — as the last word in all matters pertaining to climate change.
The study actually seems valid in its major theme — that global warming — if indeed there is any — would create disproportionate damage to really hot places like Somalia, as rising temperatures would further marginalize its already dicey position as an agricultural producer. But the folks at GOOD point out that this startling development is further exacerbated by its outright unfairness! What have the Somalis done to deserve this? They produce very little by way of “greenhouse gases,” whose inevitable warming effect is, after all, “settled science.” Okay, they may wage wholesale war on oil tankers and pleasure yachts, but where global climate change is concerned, their escutcheon (a skull and crossbones, perhaps) is without stain. Now, don’t all you greedy energy hogs — you know who you are — have any sense of decency? If you have no consideration for the future of our nation, can you at least muster up some guilt for the incalculable harm you have inflicted on the innocents abroad? As GOOD puts it:
Let’s hope that this map can help world leaders realize the moral injustice of climate change, and get moving on ways to help these vulnerable populations deal with the crushing impacts.
That’s an astonishing number of charged phrases in just one little sentence, isn’t it? “Moral injustice,” “vulnerable populations,” “crushing impacts?” But we can at least understand the motivation behind all this. After all , it must feel wonderful to be so virtuous; so satisfying to display such a glorious wealth of moral superiority, and so very comforting to the soul to evince such touching concern for the defenseless peoples of the earth. If it weren’t all just such wholesale, unvarnished, insultingly smug bullshit.
And where bullshit is concerned, The Daily Cannibal’s authority cannot be questioned. In this capacity, we designate GOOD as one of the planet’s most extraordinarily pungent offenders where issuing greenhouse gas is concerned. There. Now, that’s official.