This was once an unspoiled wasteland....

They are running out of water in the American Southwest — just one more crisis to add to the current list, which includes:

1. Wild boars are rampaging across the south. (I learned this from television commercials. It seems to be quite a problem.)
2. The Republicans are trying to starve our children and deny our teachers tenure.
3. California is paying towns to eliminate free parking, to reduce pollution. This is weird even by California standards.

But we are advised that Lake Mead, which was originally built so that high rollers could go bass fishing in the middle of the desert, also supplies water for everything south of Las Vegas, which is quite a parcel of territory. And the water level in Lake Mead has fallen so much that one of the two conduits that funnel water past Boulder Dam is now above water. That makes it good for nothing, really, and the problem is…golf courses. According to our friends at GOOD:

There are nearly 19,000 golf courses in the United States today; that’s more than double the number of colleges. And not only are many golf clubs insanely bigoted—women still can’t join the Augusta National, where the Masters is played—they’re also a huge drain on resources.

This a quite a paragraph, even for GOOD. If the sudden lurch you just encountered in the “golf courses are sort of like colleges, really” hasn’t thrown you completely, the even more hilarious assertion that “many” golf “clubs” are “insanely bigoted” because women can’t join Augusta should leave you breathless.

And how are golf courses a”huge drain on resources?”

In Palm Springs, California, which boasts more than 120 golf resorts, scientists have discovered places that have sunk more than a foot due to a rapidly depleting groundwater supply.

Well — Palm Springs is in the middle of the desert. Do you know how many lawns there are in Palm Springs? How many swimming pools? Do you really think it’s the golf courses? After all, when you water a golf course, where does the water go? Into the ground, you twit.

The rest goes on with the same hysterical shrillness, piling nonsense atop inanity until a dunghill of impressive proportion fouls the air with the stench of a sewage barge.

But we can well understand GOOD’s antipathy for golf courses. Because you know, right-thinking people don’t play golf. They mountain bike, and rock climb, and work out on large machines. And most golfers are well — Republicans, really — the same people who are conspiring to starve our children and deny our teachers tenure. When it comes to insane bigotry, GOOD will not be surpassed by the rich old farts at Augusta National.

The tipoff to GOOD’s editors that this article might have been best left on the spike may have been in their headline: Hugo Chávez Is Right: Let’s Get Rid of Some Golf Courses. The article quotes the eminent statesman thus: “Let’s leave this clear: Golf is a bourgeois sport.” You know, when you find yourself quoting Hugo Chavez, you may want to check in at the nearest Laughing Academy for a tuneup; something clearly has jogged a wire or two loose under the old bonnet, and a sure hand is required to set things right again.

Maybe instead of closing golf courses, we should build more of them. After all — plenty of grass and trees helping to convert all that CO2 we produce driving to the gym is what we need more of, not less of. And now, someone please tell me what colleges have to do with golf courses.