What are you looking at? Go vote!

The politics page of one of my local papers yesterday looked like a parody. But sadly, except for an item about Stephen Colbert exploring a bid for the presidency of the United States of South Carolina, it was all real news:

Item: Rick Perry, his candidacy sputtering out, defended the four Marines caught on video urinating on the corpses of Taliban fighters. Defying logic and taste, the governor of Texas went beyond merely claiming the behavior shouldn’t be subject to criminal investigation: he actually compared this disgusting act with General George Patton peeing into the Rhine late in World War II. Perhaps Perry doesn’t know that the Rhine is a river – not the body of a human being.

Item: Over in the adult wing of the Republican Party, Jon Huntsman received the endorsement of the biggest newspaper in South Carolina – just before news broke that the former Ambassador was dropping out of the race, despite being (in the words of The State) “more principled” with a “far more impressive resume” than Mitt Romney.

Item: Romney, the Human Welfare State? The candidate reportedly slipped $50 or $60 in cash to a campaign volunteer who whined to him about her unemployed status. What happened to pulling yourself up by your own bootstraps? And what part of “campaign volunteer” doesn’t Mitt understand?

Item: Objecting to the Justice Department’s blocking a new South Carolina law requiring voters to show a photo ID, one Republican candidate told a crowd, “We may be under assault. South Carolina, they’re actually at war with you.” Well, I guess there are enough guns in the South. Better lock and load, Fort Sumter. Oh, and that brilliant candidate was Rick Perry again. In a way, it’ll be a pity if this absurd, entertaining creature drops out of the race.

Contra-Item: The only thing that made sense on the whole politics page was the report that Nevada hookers are supporting Ron Paul. It’s perfect: the oldest profession rooting for the oldest candidate.

I’m sure today’s papers will have more serious political news, right? Anyone? Hello?