We have returned from our visit to warmer climes, and are bemused. First of all, it seems it was actually warmer in New York City than it was in Florida, which is really kind of a bummer, since half the fun of sitting on a beach is fantasizing about how miserably cold and wet everyone else is back home. Of course, no blessing goes uncursed in our brave new world: we took some comfort in reading various articles in the media and on the web proclaiming the obvious and unavoidable heat-death doom this sort of freakish weather portends.
Since we have been gone, the world has surprising survived without our commentary, and has even been so rude as to produce several items of significance that might, had we not been staring studiously at the sand on our toes, have produced a reaction:
— A “neighborhood watch” person in Florida shot a teenage boy armed with a bag of Skittles and a bottle of iced tea.
— Nancy Pelosi’s daughter went down to Mississippi and shot a lot of video of really stupid white people, which surprised Bill Maher sufficiently to encourage him to air the video, thus proving that there are a lot of really stupid white people, and not just in Mississippi — including maybe Bill Maher. And Nancy Pelsoi’s daughter. No, I don’t remember her name. Why should I?
— Tiger Woods won Arnold Palmer”s golf tournament, raising loud cheers from his fans and definitely discouraging the “He’s washed up” claque. We don’t know what Arnold thought of the whole thing; he was taken to the hospital earlier in the day for “high blood pressure,” which may have been code for “I’m damned if I’m handing my trophy that that smug son of a bitch.”
— The Dow Jones Industrial Average made new 12 month highs, while volatility premiums crashed like a paper biplane. Experts attributed both events to “stuff that we don’t really understand, and, even if we did, we couldn’t explain to anyone as dumb as you.”
— The NFL suspended a Super Bowl Championship coach for a year, sent an Super Bowl Championship and MVP quarterback packing in favor of a college draft choice, and sent the most galvanizing player of recent vintage to die the death of a thousand cuts at the hands of New York Jets fans. Concerning this last development, Antonio Cromartie, a Jet defensive back best known for his talent at clutching the jerseys of the receivers he covers, tweeted “We don’t need Tebow.” Neither does Elway.
Still, we are now back at work, and, as promised, we have some interesting things to show you. Stay tuned. And try not to let the weather get you down. As soon as I boarded the flight back to NYC, temperatures plummeted to soothing lows, and polar bears everywhere panted in relief.