2014 has gotten off to a pretty scary start. First, in New York City, we were treated to the spectacle of serial Mussolinis trooping across the stage of the new Mayor’s inauguration, each one proclaiming the dawn of a New Era of Equality, Compassion and Merciless Hounding Of Anyone Deemed To Be “Privileged.” Cue the folks with the torches and pitchforks, strike up the Internationale and take to the barricades; it looks like the revolution will be televised after all, not to mention tweeted, texted and Instagrammed.
Then Mother Nature bitchslapped us with a snowblast of impressive dimension, but the storm itself was nowhere near as threatening as the media that covered it. One weather website headline trumpeted “Winter Storm Targets 60 Million People,” as if the weather was deliberately driven by some malignant intelligence hell-bent on mayhem. Cuomo closed the highways and the MTA cleverly hid the subway trains in the subways themselves, outsmarting “Hercules” (yes, they name winter storms now, and no sissified lady names, either — you don’t generate much panic with “Winter Storm Nanette”). We were told to stay home, keep off the streets, stock up on perishables and memorize the silhouettes of enemy clouds.
But by far the most frightening thing we have encountered this new year is the sudden and unexpected revelation that far away in North Korea, Kim Jong Un literally fed his uncle to a large pack of starving dogs. For those of you still unfamiliar with this report, first brought to our attention by Bill Quick at the Daily Pundit, we quote from the Singapore Straits Times:
Beijing’s displeasure [at the execution] is expressed through the publication of a detailed account of Jang’s brutal execution in Wen Wei Po, its official mouthpiece, in Hong Kong, on Dec 12.
According to the report, unlike previous executions of political prisoners which were carried out by firing squads with machine guns, Jang was stripped naked and thrown into a cage, along with his five closest aides. Then 120 hounds, starved for three days, were allowed to prey on them until they were completely eaten up. This is called “quan jue”, or execution by dogs.
The report said the entire process lasted for an hour, with Mr Kim Jong Un, the supreme leader in North Korea, supervising it along with 300 senior officials.
Okay, enough. We’re pissing our pants. This guy has nuclear weapons, and his best friend is Dennis Rodman. How anyone can be expected to sleep soundly in a world where someone like this can lob nukes hither and yon is beyond our ken. And we tried to make deals with him? Do we seriously think we can negotiate with this Beelzebub?
And the scariest thing about this is that they have a name for it. Like this is something they do every so often, when they think it’s appropriate, or it’s been too long since they did it last, or just for laughs. “Hey, I know — how about we grab old Chow and treat ourselves to some quan jue?”
Like we said, enough. The Daily Cannibal wishes to offer a suggestion. Let’s make 2014 “The Year Of Stop Scaring The Bejeezus Out Of Us.” That goes for all you screamers, shriekers, closet Cassandras and Chicken Littles. Stop it with the clanging alarms and howling sirens; stop the constant torrent of shrill wails and whinges about the climate, the genetically-modified food, the deadly sunshine, the transfats and all the myriad potential annihilators of health and safety.
The fact is, we have no idea what might do us in at any given moment. An invisible gamma ray burst from deep space could kill every living thing on the planet. Ditto that asteroid the size of Vermont with our name on it, or a plague from a mutant virus cooked up in some madman’s lab, or a deep sea volcano spawning a worldwide tsunami, and on, and on, and on. In fact, if you think about it, it’s something of a wonder that we’ve made it this far without something coming along and knocking us all into the ditch. The only way we can cope is by trying not to think about it. And when the evening news brings us treats like nephews throwing their bareass elders into a cage full of starving dogs, we don’t need anyone working overtime to send us dire warnings about what else could happen. What’s already happening is bad enough, thank you very much, and right now, we need a break.
Editor’s Note: We have since been advised that the “Kim fed his uncle to starving dogs” story is bullshit. We apologize sincerely to Mr. Kim, his family (including his dead uncle) and to our readers for propagating a malicious falsehood, and we retract this portion of our story above.